jacksparrow
11-08-2007, 03:12 PM
Ok i'm making another story and it's called "The Darkness." If you like kingodm hearts it's kind of lke it. i just want your opinion on the story so far. So if you could give me one i'd appreciate it. Thanks.:TooHappy: Here it is.
Chapter One
At it Again
Swoosh, thwack, bam. Jake and Otis were at it agin. They’ve been fighting a lot lately, with their wooden swords. Their friends John, Greg, and Aaron, were watching and cheering them on. The crowd at Traveling Square, was getting bigger with young children, who were bored, had nothing to do, and just wanted to see them beat the heck out of each other.
Jake took a hit from Otis right on the side of his head, he tehn swung low at Otis’ ankles. Otis yelped in pain. Otis swiped at Jake’s head and missed. Jake thought for a moment, what would be the best way to defeat him? I got it. Jake dodged an attack from Otis by barrel rolling to the left. He got up quickly and ran behind Otis. Jake swung his sword and hit Otis directly in the back of the head. Otis fell down and grabbed his head in pain. “Yeah I beat you again, now the score is three-one. Take that Otis,” Jake cheered, and the crowd cheered with him. His friends came over and patted him on the back.
“Good job Jake,” said John.
“That was amazing,” cheered Greg. Aaron didn’t seem too impressed. He had known Jake was going to win. Jake won at everything, whether it was baseball, soccer, sword fighting. He was just a natural winner. He even beat all the high scores at the arcade on every single game.
“Great game,” mumbled Otis to Jake.
“Otis”
“John”
“Greg”
Aaron”
“DINNER TIME!” Their mothers were calling them. They had to go.
“See you tomorrow Jake,” said Aaron.
”Yeah, I hope you have agreat fight again tomorrow. That was amazing,” Greg said he was still in awe.
“Well I’ll see you tomorrow, but I don’t think Otis will be sayin’ good bye,” said John.
“Yeah well we all know Otis is a SORE LOSER. Anyway I’d better get hime too. See you guys at 8:00 sharp,” Jake said grinning.They all ran to the ferries that would take them to their home island of Evening Town and went home. They had a delicious dinner and went off to bed. As each boy fell peacefully asleep, fell into an uneasy dream, turning into a nightmare. A couple hours later they awoke from their strange dream, but were in a completely different place other than their bedroom.
Chapter One
At it Again
Swoosh, thwack, bam. Jake and Otis were at it agin. They’ve been fighting a lot lately, with their wooden swords. Their friends John, Greg, and Aaron, were watching and cheering them on. The crowd at Traveling Square, was getting bigger with young children, who were bored, had nothing to do, and just wanted to see them beat the heck out of each other.
Jake took a hit from Otis right on the side of his head, he tehn swung low at Otis’ ankles. Otis yelped in pain. Otis swiped at Jake’s head and missed. Jake thought for a moment, what would be the best way to defeat him? I got it. Jake dodged an attack from Otis by barrel rolling to the left. He got up quickly and ran behind Otis. Jake swung his sword and hit Otis directly in the back of the head. Otis fell down and grabbed his head in pain. “Yeah I beat you again, now the score is three-one. Take that Otis,” Jake cheered, and the crowd cheered with him. His friends came over and patted him on the back.
“Good job Jake,” said John.
“That was amazing,” cheered Greg. Aaron didn’t seem too impressed. He had known Jake was going to win. Jake won at everything, whether it was baseball, soccer, sword fighting. He was just a natural winner. He even beat all the high scores at the arcade on every single game.
“Great game,” mumbled Otis to Jake.
“Otis”
“John”
“Greg”
Aaron”
“DINNER TIME!” Their mothers were calling them. They had to go.
“See you tomorrow Jake,” said Aaron.
”Yeah, I hope you have agreat fight again tomorrow. That was amazing,” Greg said he was still in awe.
“Well I’ll see you tomorrow, but I don’t think Otis will be sayin’ good bye,” said John.
“Yeah well we all know Otis is a SORE LOSER. Anyway I’d better get hime too. See you guys at 8:00 sharp,” Jake said grinning.They all ran to the ferries that would take them to their home island of Evening Town and went home. They had a delicious dinner and went off to bed. As each boy fell peacefully asleep, fell into an uneasy dream, turning into a nightmare. A couple hours later they awoke from their strange dream, but were in a completely different place other than their bedroom.